I have a feeling. This feeling comes and goes. The feeling is that fluttering in my stomach like I am going over a hump on a roller coaster. I have got this feeling because I am falling, falling because I have been pushed- Hard.
I am angry with God sometimes. sometimes not. Let me explain: He made me; put me in a sinful world; and then expects me to shun the earthly to seek The Spirit. (Even as I write this I am seeing some of the lies in this feeling. I am going to finish the post anyway. Reader, don’t trust this, it isn’t scripture, just me venting and looking for others who feel the same.)
This is the way that I see it. God and I are sitting on a boat together after He formed me. We are looking out over a sea with people who are all on their way to finding the rope and life vest God is holding and providing. The monkey wrench is that there are thousands of fraudulent life vests out there that look, sound, feel like they have His stamp of approval on them.
The problem is that each of those stamps has been stolen by the sharks that are looking to devour. These sharks made those life vests with shreds and pieces of the authentic thing. They even are mostly authentic. Some avuncular in manner and many who go on seeking the real thing are derided for doing so.
Here is where I get mad: when I get that sick feeling in my stomach. Its because God has pushed me off of the boat. I am helpless in a sea of lies and He expects me to praise and worship Him, to truly seek Him so that I can find the authentic life vest which leads to a rope which leads to the boat: the fold He has created for everyone.
I wrote this many months ago. Being honest about how I feel has helped me to come to grips with this feeling. I thank His angels for guiding my mind and heart and giving me His motivations. God, Thank you for loving me and showing me who you are so I can better serve you, others and relish in your peace. I love you.